Friday, May 29, 2009

The Joy of Cola

(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 100+ responses...)


$850 1BR in a 3BR - great value, for October 1st! (East Village)


My name is Jason Pepsi, and I'm writing with an excellent deal on an apartment in Manhattan's East Village. Our third roommate is moving out on October 1st, and we need someone to fill his spot. The room is large, 10x14, and will come pre-furnished if you prefer. The rent price includes all utilities, cable, internet, and use of our spacious living room and shared bathroom.

Some things need to be made clear.

As I mentioned, my name is Jason Pepsi. Obviously, this name carries certain connotations. Maybe some jokes have already occurred to you. Please don't share them in your e-mail. And before you ask, no, I am not related in any way to the gentleman who invented Pepsi. Pepsi-Cola is an anagram of 'Episcopal,' a church across the street from the place of original invention. And no, I don't know why they named it after a church. Nor am I curious.

I have gone through a lifetime of being mocked for sharing a name with a famous soft drink, and it continues to be a problem. When I'm home, I don't like to be reminded of the hardships I face throughout the day.

This means:

1) Do not make any cute jokes about Pepsi.
2) Do not attempt to have a serious or compassionate discussion with me about my last name.
3) Do not make offhand comments such as "man, that's weird how you have the same last name as a soda."
4) Do not drink Pepsi in the house.
5) Do not come home with the odor of Pepsi on your breath.
6) Brief all your friends on my last name before they visit, so they won't ask any inane questions.
7) Try your best to avoid using the words "pep" and "see." See also: "sea," "see?" and the letter 'c.'

A common question I get is, "why don't you just change your name?"

Trust me, I've tried. For years I wrote letters to the proper authorities, and the government didn't respond. Finally, my application went through. I thought my name would soon be "Jason Thurgood." Thurgood is my mother's maiden name. However, due to a mix-up at the Probate Court, they left 'Pepsi' alone while mistakenly changing my first name. According to the US government, I'm now "Thurgood Pepsi."

I still go by Jason Pepsi, and I don't have the time or three thousand dollars needed to undergo the process again.

Now that you're briefed, please send me an e-mail which lets me know in no uncertain terms that you are serious about respecting my wishes. Only very thorough applicants will be considered.

Please also have at least passing knowledge of the actor Johnny Depp. I think he's great.


Autumn says...

First of all... Are you serious? Having Pepsi as a last name is really not that serious. I hope this is a joke.

Monika says...

Hello Jason!

Just came across your post on craigslist and the place sounds great. I just have some questions about your rules: now, I'm an avid mountain dew drinker, and since that particular beverage is created by the same "unmentionable" company that shares your last name, will mountain dew be restricted as well? What about Fritos...and Tropicana Orange Juice? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I just want to get things straight before we move forward. Let me know and hopefully we can work something out...I can get a mini-fridge or something! Thanks!

Patrick says...

Hello Jason,

Replying to your Craig's List posting.

I appreciate your situation. Making fun of anyone's name is bad form and rude at best. Thats all I can say about that issue.

I usually drink seltzer myself.

Depp is one of the better film actors working these days.

Jennifer says...

Can we chat about the room? Coke rules!

Cachet says...

Are u serious? I really hope you are mocking yourself here...... if you are serious, please seek therapy quickly.

Emmanuelle says...

Okay... for starters, anyone who puts that much effort into a craigslist add surely deserves some respect, lets just clarify one thing before I begin with the usual adjectives one uses to describe themselves on craigs list... Are you in any way affiliated or happens to be the with guy who wants future possible roomates to be comfortable with nudity or disrobe on command!? Are you in any way related to or affiliated to the elderly man who is looking for some "company" in exchange for a room in the yuppy ghettos commonly known as the East Village! If your add is indeed legit and is not a cover for the afore mentioned men... then i think we may be able to help each other! I keep mum about the whole last name psychosis, which in my professional opinion has stemmed from years of parental neglect...

Chip says...

Hello, My name is Chip, and if you can imagine w/ a name like Chip, I, too have endured many a day of ridicule and un-original banter due to my name.

Ashok says...

Yes, johnny depp is rather a good actor, and one of my favs. Consider all wishes with regards to moniker respected, and nothing more shall be mentioned beyond that. I just wanna live in a great place in the East Village. Simple.

Jody says...

Dearest Jason -

Six generations ago, my great-great-great-uncle Al Pepper travelled to
this country seeking a better life for his 17 children and three
mules. He built our family from poor manure-shovellers into a
well-educated, cultured clan of respectable professionals. But despite
the fact that every member of my family has gone on to earn a
doctorate in virtually every field imaginable, we have been saddled
with ridicule and scorn; the suppressed chortle when our name is
announced ("Paging Dr. Pepper..."); the innocent but still biting
questions from little children.

Richard says...

Don't like or drink cokes competitor and can understand how you feel. I grew up being called Dick (short for Richard) and family and old friends still call me

Stef says...

I may not have your same name shame (although I do have mad rhymez as such), but I do feel your pain. I also promise to never come home with that 'substance' on my breath, being that I am a Total Fucking Health-Nut and usually drink a lot of tea. Soda makes you obese anyway, and being obese is being an asshole to everyone who wants to catch the train while you're lumbering in front of them.

I can assure you that am not an asshole, Jason. I am awesome.

Matt says...

I'm interested in the apartment you listed on Craig's list. I think I can handle the Pepsi thing (I'm a coke fan, for whatever reason - but would you be able to differentiate between the smell of coke and pepsi?) Also, Johnny Depp is one of my favorite actors.

Reuben says...

My previous roommate's name was Bob
Sprite and my dentist is named Dr. Steven F. Pepper. ok those are
both lies and you probably don't want to live with me anymore. but
i'd still like to check out the place.

------- Furlik says...


I read your post and laughed out loud which leads me to believe that we'd get along pretty well. I feel your pain brother... While it may not look like it, the name is pronounced "fur-lick" so I've been the brunt of a joke or two myself, if you can believe that.

Savannah says...

I WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU! I think that your great. I too have a name issue, I don't dare compare it to your name issue. It seems like you have some real issues. No but my name is Savannah. No I am not from the south, no I have never been to the south, and if you have extensive knowledge of early Wb shows. NO I WAS NOT NAMED AFTER THE SHOW SAVANNAH. IT CAME OUT WHEN I WAS 8.

------- Kummer says...


Your apartment sounds great. My last name is Kummer.

Todd says...

The thing about Pepsi though is that it is one of the worst tasting selections in the soda universe. I would imagine having a name like that you would have be so frustrated. Not that it’s just a soda, but why not a better soda. Like Jason TAB, or Jason MOXIE. Now there is a last name for you. In your posting where you stated 3 sentences about the actual room that you will are looking to rent out and about 750 words on the different connotations of your name I am willing to bet that you are not at all an irrational individual who would name his kid – Diet, just to “pass the buck” of the torturous last name…

bj lo says...

That must have been the most retarded add Ive ever seen. who cares about ur fucking name!

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