(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 50+ responses...)
Old Timer seeks fun youth roommate - big room (Upper West Side)
Thank you for selecting the cyber link to my apartment. I’m hoping you like what I have to say, because I need a roommate for my apartment.
This is my first time on the interweb, so I apologize if I’m doing something wrong. My daughter has the interweb for her grandchildren, and she showed me how to get started. OUCH! It hurts to type. You guessed it: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Well, you can’t shine a shoe without some spit and polish, so let’s get down to business.
My name is Archibald, and I’m a 97 year old male with an apartment in the city. I am uptown, on 67th street. Yes, there are rich people here. I’m not one of them, but I do okay. I am very mobile for a man of my age, and still get out to family events when my daughter picks me up. My daughter is 72, and people think we are brother and sister! How’s that for an old man?
My daughter has severe wrinkling.
On to the point. I have an extra room in my apartment, and would like some new young blood to bring a little life to the place. I don’t need to charge much. I just want to have a little fun before I die. On Wednesday mornings, I listen to public radio for two hours.
One request. Please do not throw any hootenannies in the apartment. VFW meetings are Thursday evening at 9. Bingo after.
The room is 450 per month. Dimensions are 16x19. You have a nice view of Central Park to the east. All amenities are included. No loud phonograph machines please.
There is still a bed in the room. However, it has been there since my last roommate left. That was in 1959. Maybe you will want a new bed.
I am allergic to noise.
Sometimes my mind wanders. You do not have to take care of me. There is a nurse who does that. She is a nice black woman.
Please be under 25. One old-timer is enough.
I like to tell stories about the Great Depression, if you’re interested. A common question is, did I fight in World War Two? No. Therefore, I am not racist against the Japanese or other Asians. All ethnics are welcome to apply.
Be quiet sometimes, especially at night. I can hear everything.
I can leave you the apartment in my will if you show kindness. I feed myself.
My movements are slow. It has taken me 2 hours to write this much, now I am very tired and my daughter is ready to take me home. I sleep on a large mattress.
If you send an interweb telegraph, it will go to my daughter. She will choose my roommate. Ask her all questions. I have diapers and dentures. On Tuesdays the trash man comes. There is no milk service, you will have to buy your own from the dairy.
I came across your father's listing for a room on craigslist. Although
I was not actively seeking a room (I pay $450/month for a room in lower
east side), the idea of living with such an interesting and open-minded
person like your father seems very exciting for someone like me.
Hello Archibald' s Sister,
Your brother sounds like a very young 97 year old full of spirit. I must say that I was a little apprehensive to write to you concerning the advertisement. There are so many people who try to use the internet to disguise themselves as something they are not...
Salutations!!! I read your advertisement and allow me to to
compliment you on a first-time attempt well done!
When classes start my daytime hours will consist mainly of studying
while on weeknights I will attend classes. On weekends I like
enjoying time with a couple friends (dislike hootinanies), watching
the occassional movie, throwing an occassional dinner party (I like
cooking), or even going out on the town once in a while...
I am actually looking for my friend Becky (22 years old). Becky is the sweetest, most easy going, and low key girl I know. She is not the typical "partying" type of girl, she has lots of friends in the city, but I think she'll be visiting them more often then they will be visiting her, and would not ever disrespect your father's household. I think, from what I've read, that she'll really get along with Archibald...
I saw your father's ad on craigslist. I used to be with my grand parents when I was a little girl, so I'm very farmiliar with older people and also like to talk to them.
The reason I think you should pick me for your father is that old people do like me very much, I have been working extra at a nursery home for a couple of summers and on weekends which tells at least something what kind of a person I am. I would see no problem in helping your father grocery shopping and do my best to make his life more fun.
The French have a saying that the best part of the affair is going up
the stairs. I think they are wrong, wrong, wrong!
Hey there Archibald,
You are a hoot! I am very interested in finding an inexpensive, clean living situation near Manhattan where I will be attending school. You don't need to worry, I like to live'n things up wherever I am but would never conduct a hootenanny! I really like the phonograph, but since you are allergic to noise I can entertain myself creating rhythms in my room with Morris code. I am really excited to get to know New York a little bit, and you being 97, have undoubtedly seen the city evolve. Golly-gee, you were probably around when they were still using covered wagons and communicating with smoke signals.
Wow, that was long, I guess you like to chat.
Hello. How are you today. It's good to see someone who is in their 90's. I commend you in your successful and healthy life.
Hi old man. I would like to tell you that for this rent and this location, I ready
to move in. It doesnt matter that you are much older than me. And I
will not expect to be in our will. quiet frankly, I don't believe
everything you said in this add. But I would like to take a chance on
that. Maybe you are telling the truth. I would like to rent the room. I willl will be the calmest roomate you will ever have. I will also take care of you if you need my help. I just wouldn't be able to watch you try to do something if I can do it
faster and easier.
I have high respect for old people.
I could forward you the standard "please read me email" but will spare the tire since you have a sense of humor. if i wasn't a young student at FIT, I would feed you all the comic relief that you need. and dairy if you prefer rockets. when can i look at the apt. i would appreciate the prehistoric guest bed and maybe we can share the nurse's aid. i hope your daughter has a sense of humor too. this would be embarrasing otherwise.
I am a 25 year old actress. As of last week, my boyfriend of a year and a half asked me to leave the apartment we were sharing. He feels we need distance. Apparently, he can't respect the fact that I am an actress. He considers it "playing".
Currently I am sleeping on my friends couch. He has been total gentleman, but since he is an avid toy collector, there is little room for me and I live with the total fear of knocking something important over.
The only problem I can see right now is that I am currently playing "Diana" in 'Alls Well That Ends Well'. I have performances about 3-4 times during the next three weeks that will not end until 10 p.m., therefore not making your 9 p.m. comfort time. I would be more than happy to come 'home' and knock on your door and comfort you as soon as I get in.