Ice, Baby

(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 50+ responses...)



THE POST


Huge Room Available - With a Twist! (East Village)

Hello potential roommates!

I come to you today with an offer you may not be able to refuse. Due to my current roommate's imminent departure, I have a large furnished room available on the first floor of a three-story walk-up in the heart of the East Village (4th Street and Second Avenue). There are two bedrooms in the place, and yours would be the largest.

I don't need to tell you that this is near all the cool spots, including restaurants, bars, cafes, theatres, concert halls, etc. However, the room itself is private, at the end of a long hallway, and very quiet. The dimensions are 15x17, and it has two windows which look onto our interior courtyard. Bed, wardrobe, desk, and air conditioning come with the room. $550 includes all utilities.

You may be wondering why the price is so low. Well, here's the twist: I am a 25 year old male with a slight social problem which, to some, makes me an undesirable roommate.

I'll get right to the point: I have a compulsion to put ice cubes down people's shirts. As my roommate, you will likely bear the brunt of this problem.

Don't ask me to explain why I do this. It's a serious psychological issue, and years of therapy have not made any headway.

Let me emphasize: it will not go ANY FURTHER than the ice cubes. I am not abusive or perverted in any way, and I will never make lewd comments or touch you inappropriately. I also do not drop heavier or steaming hot objects down people's shirts. Only ice cubes.

What this means for you: when you are sitting on the couch, or at the dinner table, or basically anywhere in the apartment, I may come up to you and drop an ice cube down your shirt.

I always have ice cubes on hand. DO NOT think you can simply get ride of all ice trays in the apartment. Trust me, I have tried this, as have various roommates. It doesn't work, I will only buy more.

I prefer someone who does not like to have friends over, unless they understand my problem. They are prone to having ice cubes put down their shirt.

Your bedroom door has a sturdy lock, so you will always be secure while sleeping. Ditto for the bathroom. I may turn the doorknob on rare instances, but a stern word is usually enough to send me on my way.

On infrequent occasions, I have been known to follow someone onto the street to put an ice cube down their shirt. Once, I showed up at a roommate's place of business. However, this was a wake-up call, and I can assure you it's something I may not repeat.

Okay, I think that covers it. As you see, this is a great room in a terrific location, for a very, very low price. Quite simply, you won't find a deal like it anywhere in the city. However, my roommate will have to be tolerant. It takes great patience, and others have failed. It may seem like a minor problem, but eventually all the ice can become very annoying.

Otherwise, I am a caring, conscientious person. I work in finance, and enjoy mountain biking on the weekends.

So send me e-mail me if you're interested! Please address the ice cube problem and how you plan to deal with it. I need to be sufficiently impressed, because I don't want to have to find another roommate after one month or less. Ignoring the problem only makes it worse. Also include some of your favorite hobbies.

My current roommate is leaving to move in with her boyfriend, but before that, we had a successful relationship for one year. She even said the ice was something of a relief in the summer months, which can become very hot.

Females are preferred, but guys, don't let that deter you! Move-in would be anytime between now and September 1. I'm flexible.

Thanks for listening!






THE RESPONSES




Nick says...

My work schedule, after work activities and frequent weekend getaways will greatly reduce my exposure to the ice cubes. All the other times I may welcome the cubes. We all need a little excitement in life and if its going to come in the form of frozen water in a cube form... well who am I to deter destiny?


Grace says...

Please let me know if you'll be showing the apartment anytime soon. As far as the ice cubes, I usually prefer it being cold PLUS I have an older brother, while growing up, that was one of his favorite things to do as well.


"Captain Paint" says...

listen, i need a room in east vilage, i am easy going great femal ebut i do not allow any sort of harrasments from men, you see my point?

i do like to be joking around but a woman cannot allow a man to do that cause men get acrried away

i need a place asap and i can pay responsibly, let me come by and see it
i now am at 4 street by B so i know the hood very well.


"UNO" says...

So, since your offer is great......and I think the ice cubes wouldn't be a big deal....I'll tell you about how I'd handle it.

A) my schedule keeps me out of the house most of the day
B) I will be out of town some
C) weekdays I will be dressed in a button up shirt & tie with suit...so it wouldn't be terribly easy to get an ice cube into my shirt
D) Weekends I will be out of the house most of the day I am sure.....especially at night
E) When I do not want to be bothered I will simply keep to my room
F) I am willing to make a sort of arrangement where I would be open to being "iced" at a certain time of the day (say when I get in from work or something) or maybe while watching TV once in a while.....


Derek says...

Hi, my name's Derek, I saw your housing ad on craigslist and thought I'd respond. At first I thought the ice thing was a joke, but, well, you seem pretty serious about it. However, if you're laid-back and have a sense of humor about it, I think I'd be able to deal with it like a challange. In the Pink Panther movies, Peter Sellers has this asian servant that he trains to attack him when he's least suspecting just to keep his guard up all the time. So he's sitting at breakfast or somewhere in another country even and suddenly his servant just attacks him, they get in this big fight, and then he leaves. I'm not saying I'd get in a fight, I'm just saying it would be a good story.


Debbie says...

I think we might be a perfect match. I am a 34 year old female in fabulous shape who has a compulsive tendency to walk around my apartment completely topless, sometimes just in my undies. I hope this will not be something that would bother you. Your ice dropping would, therefore, would not pose too much of a problem.


Dustin says...

Well, I must say...at least you are very up front about your condition. All I can say is...For 550 for a big room on 4th and 2nd....put the whole tray down my shirt. (It might sound homo-erotic....but I am a straight male.....


Marquina says...

Hello Ice Cube Man. I have considered this option and think I would not have a problem with your ice cube compulsion. (my current roommate is a vomiter - gross!)


"AmK" says...

First, a little background about me. I recently became a white water rafting instructor in Western PA. I've been living in a shack(guide houseing) for over 4 months now. Let me just tell you, being one of the 4 women raft guides, out of 400 male raft guides in town, it really gives you a lot of experience putting up with some crazy shit. Now, needless to say, raft guides are some pretty crazy people. We also drink a lot. So imagine the attention I get, being 23 and attractive, on a saturday night, when all the hormones are blazing with cheap beer. A little ice down the shirt is not going to be a big deal. I've been thrown in the river, thrown into cow shit, thrown into a vat of uncooked french fries (otherwise known as cut up potatoes), drawn on, spit on, very nearly peed on, tickeled, tortured, teased, tested, tormented. My ass has been pinched, slapped, poked, proded, and punched. I've been flirted with, threatened, blackmailed, and had so much sexual harrasment I could probably sue and be a millionair.

The point being, I put up with all of it to be a raft guide. I can put up with ice cubes to have a bitchin apartment on 4th and 2nd.