Friday, May 29, 2009

The Joy of Cola

(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 100+ responses...)


$850 1BR in a 3BR - great value, for October 1st! (East Village)


My name is Jason Pepsi, and I'm writing with an excellent deal on an apartment in Manhattan's East Village. Our third roommate is moving out on October 1st, and we need someone to fill his spot. The room is large, 10x14, and will come pre-furnished if you prefer. The rent price includes all utilities, cable, internet, and use of our spacious living room and shared bathroom.

Some things need to be made clear.

As I mentioned, my name is Jason Pepsi. Obviously, this name carries certain connotations. Maybe some jokes have already occurred to you. Please don't share them in your e-mail. And before you ask, no, I am not related in any way to the gentleman who invented Pepsi. Pepsi-Cola is an anagram of 'Episcopal,' a church across the street from the place of original invention. And no, I don't know why they named it after a church. Nor am I curious.

I have gone through a lifetime of being mocked for sharing a name with a famous soft drink, and it continues to be a problem. When I'm home, I don't like to be reminded of the hardships I face throughout the day.

This means:

1) Do not make any cute jokes about Pepsi.
2) Do not attempt to have a serious or compassionate discussion with me about my last name.
3) Do not make offhand comments such as "man, that's weird how you have the same last name as a soda."
4) Do not drink Pepsi in the house.
5) Do not come home with the odor of Pepsi on your breath.
6) Brief all your friends on my last name before they visit, so they won't ask any inane questions.
7) Try your best to avoid using the words "pep" and "see." See also: "sea," "see?" and the letter 'c.'

A common question I get is, "why don't you just change your name?"

Trust me, I've tried. For years I wrote letters to the proper authorities, and the government didn't respond. Finally, my application went through. I thought my name would soon be "Jason Thurgood." Thurgood is my mother's maiden name. However, due to a mix-up at the Probate Court, they left 'Pepsi' alone while mistakenly changing my first name. According to the US government, I'm now "Thurgood Pepsi."

I still go by Jason Pepsi, and I don't have the time or three thousand dollars needed to undergo the process again.

Now that you're briefed, please send me an e-mail which lets me know in no uncertain terms that you are serious about respecting my wishes. Only very thorough applicants will be considered.

Please also have at least passing knowledge of the actor Johnny Depp. I think he's great.


Autumn says...

First of all... Are you serious? Having Pepsi as a last name is really not that serious. I hope this is a joke.

Monika says...

Hello Jason!

Just came across your post on craigslist and the place sounds great. I just have some questions about your rules: now, I'm an avid mountain dew drinker, and since that particular beverage is created by the same "unmentionable" company that shares your last name, will mountain dew be restricted as well? What about Fritos...and Tropicana Orange Juice? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I just want to get things straight before we move forward. Let me know and hopefully we can work something out...I can get a mini-fridge or something! Thanks!

Patrick says...

Hello Jason,

Replying to your Craig's List posting.

I appreciate your situation. Making fun of anyone's name is bad form and rude at best. Thats all I can say about that issue.

I usually drink seltzer myself.

Depp is one of the better film actors working these days.

Jennifer says...

Can we chat about the room? Coke rules!

Cachet says...

Are u serious? I really hope you are mocking yourself here...... if you are serious, please seek therapy quickly.

Emmanuelle says...

Okay... for starters, anyone who puts that much effort into a craigslist add surely deserves some respect, lets just clarify one thing before I begin with the usual adjectives one uses to describe themselves on craigs list... Are you in any way affiliated or happens to be the with guy who wants future possible roomates to be comfortable with nudity or disrobe on command!? Are you in any way related to or affiliated to the elderly man who is looking for some "company" in exchange for a room in the yuppy ghettos commonly known as the East Village! If your add is indeed legit and is not a cover for the afore mentioned men... then i think we may be able to help each other! I keep mum about the whole last name psychosis, which in my professional opinion has stemmed from years of parental neglect...

Chip says...

Hello, My name is Chip, and if you can imagine w/ a name like Chip, I, too have endured many a day of ridicule and un-original banter due to my name.

Ashok says...

Yes, johnny depp is rather a good actor, and one of my favs. Consider all wishes with regards to moniker respected, and nothing more shall be mentioned beyond that. I just wanna live in a great place in the East Village. Simple.

Jody says...

Dearest Jason -

Six generations ago, my great-great-great-uncle Al Pepper travelled to
this country seeking a better life for his 17 children and three
mules. He built our family from poor manure-shovellers into a
well-educated, cultured clan of respectable professionals. But despite
the fact that every member of my family has gone on to earn a
doctorate in virtually every field imaginable, we have been saddled
with ridicule and scorn; the suppressed chortle when our name is
announced ("Paging Dr. Pepper..."); the innocent but still biting
questions from little children.

Richard says...

Don't like or drink cokes competitor and can understand how you feel. I grew up being called Dick (short for Richard) and family and old friends still call me

Stef says...

I may not have your same name shame (although I do have mad rhymez as such), but I do feel your pain. I also promise to never come home with that 'substance' on my breath, being that I am a Total Fucking Health-Nut and usually drink a lot of tea. Soda makes you obese anyway, and being obese is being an asshole to everyone who wants to catch the train while you're lumbering in front of them.

I can assure you that am not an asshole, Jason. I am awesome.

Matt says...

I'm interested in the apartment you listed on Craig's list. I think I can handle the Pepsi thing (I'm a coke fan, for whatever reason - but would you be able to differentiate between the smell of coke and pepsi?) Also, Johnny Depp is one of my favorite actors.

Reuben says...

My previous roommate's name was Bob
Sprite and my dentist is named Dr. Steven F. Pepper. ok those are
both lies and you probably don't want to live with me anymore. but
i'd still like to check out the place.

------- Furlik says...


I read your post and laughed out loud which leads me to believe that we'd get along pretty well. I feel your pain brother... While it may not look like it, the name is pronounced "fur-lick" so I've been the brunt of a joke or two myself, if you can believe that.

Savannah says...

I WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU! I think that your great. I too have a name issue, I don't dare compare it to your name issue. It seems like you have some real issues. No but my name is Savannah. No I am not from the south, no I have never been to the south, and if you have extensive knowledge of early Wb shows. NO I WAS NOT NAMED AFTER THE SHOW SAVANNAH. IT CAME OUT WHEN I WAS 8.

------- Kummer says...


Your apartment sounds great. My last name is Kummer.

Todd says...

The thing about Pepsi though is that it is one of the worst tasting selections in the soda universe. I would imagine having a name like that you would have be so frustrated. Not that it’s just a soda, but why not a better soda. Like Jason TAB, or Jason MOXIE. Now there is a last name for you. In your posting where you stated 3 sentences about the actual room that you will are looking to rent out and about 750 words on the different connotations of your name I am willing to bet that you are not at all an irrational individual who would name his kid – Diet, just to “pass the buck” of the torturous last name…

bj lo says...

That must have been the most retarded add Ive ever seen. who cares about ur fucking name!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Nether-Nether Lands

(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 50+ responses...)


$750 Want Holland Roommate?? (West Village)

Yes hello! How are everyone today??!

My name is Z. Nordegaard, and maybe you be my future roommate, what? Okay! Sometime if I will say the whole first name when I get you to buy my rent. Next!

Several two things about me: I am so tall (almost six foots fore!) and have the red hair. But not so red as the carrot top I hope! But seriously, he is FREAKING funny. Back at me: I am from Holland last Tuesday, maybe one to two years before. I went to college in America for to journalist. Only three years, and there oh man many beautiful ladies!

I want you to live with me, and why! Here is my room: twenty metres square area, fairly big for a village, and? Okay. The bed is already in unless you want new sheets which I provide. Or you buy yourself. In the hallways is Indian from the old cigar store type. Hi-yi-yi-yi, yes! He doesn't hurt I promise! At night maybe he come to life NO JUST KIDDING!

Big room is cheap. Are you down to party? I have colored paper over the lights for partying inside a house. Some alcohol, yes so don't come being to say "drinking is SO evil blah blah wahhhhh!"

Utility are included here, for extra price of maybe fifty dollars most at a month. You have air condition. I am to journalism so at night and day I work sometimes for the papers in Holland writing articles about AWESOME New York!!! Be quiet maybe.

I like beautiful girls, who won't, though? But okay for guys as well, maybe if they know beautiful girls and can bring them to the house for sleepovers (NOT WITH ME SILLY).

Or maybe with me, if we are to being honest (I hope you see joke).

Do we have trying all the time at music? Not at nights, please! Oh man so loud making me want to explode my own HEAD!

Trust me I am good at the roommate so e-mail if you're wanting to see around. Ask any my friends, they say "Nordegaard is all the time ready for fun!" Want to inspire at the good life? You know where to e-mail, is me. Keep your buckles belting tight.

Hoping to should talk with you soon new amigo (oh man all the time joking I don't speak Spanish – I do NOT speak it, I mean truly).

Move to my friend-pad at September first. No negotiatings!


Michael says...

Hi Nordegaard,

I am sorry but I have to tell you the bad news first - I am German -> but up 'til now I never had problems with any dutch guy that I met during my various travels - so why should I get in trouble with you (just kiddin' haha)?

Please forget your stereotype of a boring, Kraut-eating German and think about a open-minded funny person that could bring back some European spirit to your live.

Jorge says...

Hi my name is Jorge and I want to be your room mate! Please give me a call or send me an email! I am six foot five, so I know how it is to be tall...I also know alot of tall ladies : )

Veronica says...

Your posting was so funny! You sound really fun!

About me, I am a 23 year old straight female. I work in advertising for a website called So, not sure if you know about advertising, but it’s really work hard play hard so I can definitely tell you that I do not think alcohol is EVIL!! :)

Jeremy says...

Heyy Nordegaard!! are you still looking for a chill roommate who loves to have fun? I think I am your guy!

Rodridgo says...

Holland roommate, YES! My name is Rodrigo. I just saw your posting. I from chile, live in NY for 8 years. I was working in amsterdam for a year. made great friends. I need to move by sept. 1st. I got the money and I'm also cool, and nice to be with around.

E.S. says...

Hey Nordegaard,
Nou, een Nederlandse kamergenoot, misschien niet zo gek voor mijn mensen thuis, zodat ik minder kans maak op een "American Accent" die het slecht doet op feestjes....

Diana says...

i want you to know that people are forwarding around your ad bc it's so funny! hilarious!
we should hang out sometime and i'll introduce you to my sexy girl friends!

Adam says...

Hi Nordegaard. My name is Adam, and I'm interested in the
room you posted on Craig's List. I recently graduated
college, and have several foreign friends, so I would
be more than happy to live with you and help you
understand what America's all about.

Natalie says...

I came across your ad for a room for rent, and it (along with you) sound great!
I am helping my friend Monika (notice the "k") find a room in New York, so I thought I would jump on the opportunity to respond to you before another beautiful lady grabs your attention!

Also, this girl is down to party! Another catch, I will be visiting Monika at least once this year, and I am about as American as they get! I'm a Midwestern Lady with perfect hips and a gorgeous smile. I will send your carrot top through the roof!

Gabriela says...

well, if you're actually looking
for a roommate i would like to meet you and see your
place. i'm a straight good looking woman working in
advertising as an art director. originally i'm from
eastern europe so i also have a cute accent.

Josh says...

I have lived all over the world and have learned to coexist with most anyone. I like to party somtimes. And sometimes I dont. I like women from turkey, wine from burgundy, and tobacco from Virginia.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 50+ responses...)


Great, Huge room for cheap! - Bedford Ave L - $350/month!

Good morning!

I'm writing today with an excellent offer on a HUGE room in the coolest neighborhood in Brooklyn: Williamsburg!

The apartment is a two-bedroom located on North 5th street and Driggs, one block away from all the great shops, venues, restaurants and bars on Bedford Avenue, and three blocks from the Bedford L-Train. Only one stop from downtown Manhattan!

The room itself is quite large – 12x13, with one large window looking south. Because we are separated from the main drag, the streets are quiet at night, and your room is very private. What's more, it comes furnished with a queen-sized bed and an antique oak bureau. Our living room and kitchen are spacious and sunlit, and I have a big-screen entertainment system pre-installed (big plus for movie buffs!)

I'm asking $350 per month, which includes all utilities. Move-in would be anytime between now and September 1st.

If you're like everyone else I've told, you're probably wondering why the price is so low. Well, here's the deal:

The last five people to live in the room have died.

I promise this is not a joke. While I'm not a superstitious person, it's only fair for me to tell you. If I didn't, my neighbor Frank would. He's very gullible, and because of the strange circumstances, he's become convinced the room is cursed. Not only that, but he can be very passionate on the subject, and has dissuaded a number of my potential roommates. My friends won't touch the place, despite the great deal.

Again, I think this is all hogwash, and anyone who believes in curses or ghosts needs to re-think their world view. Nevertheless, in the interest of full disclosure, here are the details of the last five roommates. In my opinion, the stories themselves prove that NOTHING strange is going on.

Roommate 1: This was my first roommate, my best friend from college. He signed the lease with me. Everything was fine for several months, until he was hit by an errant taxi while visiting his girlfriend in Manhattan. Total fluke accident, could happen to anyone. He managed to struggle home, half-conscious, before dying in the room. His girlfriend was fine.

Roommate 2: His name was Pedrag, and he came from Serbia. We actually met at my work. He had barely unpacked when he received word from home that his brother was ill, and had to return. The day before he was supposed to come back to the states, he fell prey to street violence and was gunned down in a drive-by shooting. Personally, I don't count this, because we all know that Serbia is a very violent section of the world. It was not smart for him to be on the streets like that.

Roommate 3: Another college friend whom I was trying to help out, despite his history of depression. I don't like to talk about this, but after everything was seemingly going well, I came home to find him hanging from a noose in his room. Again, this was more due to his psychiatric depression than anything else. It was at this point that Frank became convinced the room was cursed. Getting a new roommate became real tough.

Roommate 4: This was a random stranger who needed a place for a month. Turned out he was a drug dealer, and got knifed in Bedford-Stuyvesant when he couldn't pay up in a deal gone wrong. I still have his futon, and would sell it to you at low cost if you want a couch in your room.

Roommate 5: This was one of my younger sister's friends who'd just graduated from college. I admit this incident was slightly strange. I was away for the weekend, and on Saturday morning she was found dead in the grass outside the window, which had been smashed. Everyone thought it was a break-in, but the fire department determined the window had been broken from the inside, and the door hadn't been opened. Nobody's been convicted, and the official story is that she went nuts and banged her head through the window, severing the carotid artery. Personally, I think that's bunk. It was probably an angry boyfriend or something. She was quite promiscuous. That was three weeks ago.

So you can see, those incidents were all COINCIDENCES! I mean, three of the people weren't even in the room when they died. I don't see how anyone could believe in the "curse" nonsense.

But as I said, it's been impossible to get a roommate, so I've had to lower the rent considerably just to get any money at all. Normally, a place like this would go for over $1,000. If you're interested in jumping on this great deal, please send me an e-mail. Tell a bit about yourself, and convince me you won't bolt the first time you get freaked out and hear a noise or something. I'd rather not have to find a new roommate right away.

Please also tell me what kind of music you like.

Note: This is a SERIOUS posting. Please don't take the memory of my roommates lightly in your response. Thank you.


Ben says...

I must say I was a little freaked out of your story about the room and your roommates. Though I'm not a very superstitious person it did give me chills. However I'm someone who believes in having his faith in his own hands. So I thought I might as well reply to your great deal.

Todd says...

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your roommates.

I am very interested in the room you have for rent. I would love to
speak to you about it and make plans to come check it out. I agree
with you that the passing of your roommates is nothing more than
coincidence. I don't believe in curses.

Thadaeus says...

I am interested in possibly taking the haunted room. I am not superstitious, but it is kind of creepy that two people died in the room recently, but the price is right. Let me know if it is still available.

Carlo says...

Look, I am really looking for a place, if this is some gay art project or school assignment BS please do not waste my time. I don’t wanna be on some new MTV show either, so please fuck off if that is the case.

Matt says...

Good luck with your apartment- that is a horrible story.
I'm writing to inquire if you'd be interested a documentary short on the subject of your apartment and that room? I've worked on and shot several docs, and would jump at the opportunity to interview you, and to find out if the room is truly cursed. I promise the piece would be respectful and considerate of the last five roommates.

Tim says...

i'm not superstitious, but i do believe in ghosts. i
find the story unsettling, especially the last
roommate. really unsettling. i'm sorry that this
strange plague has been visited on you, i hope that
the next roommate breaks whatever it is.

i like brasilian music, cuban, a lot of electronic,
lounge, blues, some jazz, experimental, etc.

David says...

What a funny thing. By some chance all of my previous
roommates have died under mysterious circumstances.
How strange and wonderful the workings of fate must be
to bring us together.

I don't really like music. What's the point in
listening to a song more than once? By that time
you've heard it already.

Desiree says...

I feel you're offer will allow me to live on the edge a little (j/k). Honestly-seems like you have all had a terrible time lately, so I feel for you. I couldn't be depressed if I tried-with rent that low! Seriously, if I like the place, I would be willing to pay more than $350; I'm looking for long-term and I want to pay closer to my fair share.

Craig says...

i don't believe in ghosts

i'm a romantic violin player who is staying till april 30th

i don't practice, i just play for the public

my money comes from the french government

Jaclyn says...

ok so i read your post about the room for rent and i have mixed feelings!

it is a great price-i am a 22 year old fresh art school graduate and female looking to live in williamsburg starting september 1st for atleast a year and for the least amount of money possible.

i must admit however i do not believe in ghosts, but the stories of your roomates are incredible and are a little too coincidental. i am sorry!

Dorrie says...

By the way, if you haven’t already you might want to ask older neighbors in the building if there’s a story that might explain the situation. I’m sure the police would have a record of past incidences, if you’ve a mind to follow them up. Could prove to be interesting.

"Mr. Single" says...

do u have a phone number?

Emilia says...

I just saw your ad on craigslist. I was wondering if
it might be possible for me to go see the "haunted
room". I'm really sorry about your loss, but to be
perfectly honest I'm not supertitious AT ALL. As
long as you are not a serial killer who murdered your
past roommates, i'm up to give it a try.

Matthew says...

Jeez man, those are pretty horrific tales of the room. My question is:
Are YOU all right? I've been through some wild things myself but
nothing could compare to that sort of thing. My heart goes out to you.

David says...

Hi! My wife and I are interested in the room you have available. As far as the room curse goes, we'll chance it. Even if we did believe it
was cursed, it's such a great location that we'd probably take it anyway! My
wife stayed on Bedford and N. 4th last winter, and it's an absolutely
fantastic neighborhood. We dreamed about finding a place there she/we could
afford, so this sounds just great.

Maximo says...

hi i m maximo
i m a student of academy of fine art! i m italian

and your room is fantastic for my claims!!

i m interesting for to schedule an appointment
tell me if for you is good and where is possible the appointment!!

"Babssoft" says....

I'm not sure where to begin, but without sounding demonstrative, I would like to help you reframe your ad to get more responses. I'm sure you'll find someone anyway, but if you want some input from a writer/ editor read on:

I would reframe the entire death explanation. First of all, I am truly sorry for all your losses, no matter how close they were (or not), it's still incredibly stressful.

I would not mention the deaths of several people who died outside of the home, even if Frank winds up mentioning it later on. The reason is that (practically speaking) there is a lot less gravity in explaining that a drug dealer who you barely knew got killed on the street than trying to convey the suicide of a roomate in the bedroom. Also the guy in Serbia can be left out, respectfully. The suicide could be more difficult but I feel this is more a question of whether you would feel personally guilty not telling prospective roomates about this, as opposed to telling them just on principle. When you consider it in this way, if you and your roomate get to be friends later on down the line, you can always share your personal stories and tell them that a roomate committed suicide, without going into where and how. But again, this has a lot more to do with what you feel is right/your conscience than it does with principles/standards that you may not even agree with. I agree it's important to be forthcoming but this does not always mean totally explicit in every sense.

Bruce says...

Hey there, I believe in ghosts, but I'm not too worried, I have a Vietnamese aunt who is a professional Buddhist exorcist/psychic so I can ask her to come by and bless the place. It's all good.

Joe says...

Hey man I'm Joe,
It sounds like you've had quite a messed up time in your home. It's admirable that you choose to stick around. Please consider me completely unafraid and eager to be the end of a very bad story.

Marianna says...

I was cruising craigslist and was heavenly surprised to find a room in williamsburg. When I read through all the horror stories of your roomies I spat out my artifical fruity flavored yogurt and realized this is a perfect place for me! One, I'm a morbid asshole (female, 24 years old originally from ukraine) who has a fair collection of photographs depicting freak accidents on the beltparkway stowed away in my basement apartment right now. Perhaps I can show you mine if you show me some photos of your roomies? How many other roommates do you have in the apartment? The deal sounds really good. And quite frankly, i don't care if I die, i'm suicidal anyway.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Getting on in Years

(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 50+ responses...)


Old Timer seeks fun youth roommate - big room (Upper West Side)


Thank you for selecting the cyber link to my apartment. I’m hoping you like what I have to say, because I need a roommate for my apartment.

This is my first time on the interweb, so I apologize if I’m doing something wrong. My daughter has the interweb for her grandchildren, and she showed me how to get started. OUCH! It hurts to type. You guessed it: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Well, you can’t shine a shoe without some spit and polish, so let’s get down to business.

My name is Archibald, and I’m a 97 year old male with an apartment in the city. I am uptown, on 67th street. Yes, there are rich people here. I’m not one of them, but I do okay. I am very mobile for a man of my age, and still get out to family events when my daughter picks me up. My daughter is 72, and people think we are brother and sister! How’s that for an old man?

My daughter has severe wrinkling.

On to the point. I have an extra room in my apartment, and would like some new young blood to bring a little life to the place. I don’t need to charge much. I just want to have a little fun before I die. On Wednesday mornings, I listen to public radio for two hours.

One request. Please do not throw any hootenannies in the apartment. VFW meetings are Thursday evening at 9. Bingo after.

The room is 450 per month. Dimensions are 16x19. You have a nice view of Central Park to the east. All amenities are included. No loud phonograph machines please.

There is still a bed in the room. However, it has been there since my last roommate left. That was in 1959. Maybe you will want a new bed.

I am allergic to noise.

Sometimes my mind wanders. You do not have to take care of me. There is a nurse who does that. She is a nice black woman.

Please be under 25. One old-timer is enough.

I like to tell stories about the Great Depression, if you’re interested. A common question is, did I fight in World War Two? No. Therefore, I am not racist against the Japanese or other Asians. All ethnics are welcome to apply.

Be quiet sometimes, especially at night. I can hear everything.

I can leave you the apartment in my will if you show kindness. I feed myself.

My movements are slow. It has taken me 2 hours to write this much, now I am very tired and my daughter is ready to take me home. I sleep on a large mattress.

If you send an interweb telegraph, it will go to my daughter. She will choose my roommate. Ask her all questions. I have diapers and dentures. On Tuesdays the trash man comes. There is no milk service, you will have to buy your own from the dairy.


Samuel says...


I came across your father's listing for a room on craigslist. Although
I was not actively seeking a room (I pay $450/month for a room in lower
east side), the idea of living with such an interesting and open-minded
person like your father seems very exciting for someone like me.

April says...

Hello Archibald' s Sister,

Your brother sounds like a very young 97 year old full of spirit. I must say that I was a little apprehensive to write to you concerning the advertisement. There are so many people who try to use the internet to disguise themselves as something they are not...

Natasha says...

Salutations!!! I read your advertisement and allow me to to
compliment you on a first-time attempt well done!
When classes start my daytime hours will consist mainly of studying
while on weeknights I will attend classes. On weekends I like
enjoying time with a couple friends (dislike hootinanies), watching
the occassional movie, throwing an occassional dinner party (I like
cooking), or even going out on the town once in a while...

Samantha says...

I am actually looking for my friend Becky (22 years old). Becky is the sweetest, most easy going, and low key girl I know. She is not the typical "partying" type of girl, she has lots of friends in the city, but I think she'll be visiting them more often then they will be visiting her, and would not ever disrespect your father's household. I think, from what I've read, that she'll really get along with Archibald...

Hayoung says...

I saw your father's ad on craigslist. I used to be with my grand parents when I was a little girl, so I'm very farmiliar with older people and also like to talk to them.

Caroline says...

The reason I think you should pick me for your father is that old people do like me very much, I have been working extra at a nursery home for a couple of summers and on weekends which tells at least something what kind of a person I am. I would see no problem in helping your father grocery shopping and do my best to make his life more fun.

Kristen says...

Dear Archibald,

The French have a saying that the best part of the affair is going up
the stairs. I think they are wrong, wrong, wrong!

Anna says...

Hey there Archibald,
You are a hoot! I am very interested in finding an inexpensive, clean living situation near Manhattan where I will be attending school. You don't need to worry, I like to live'n things up wherever I am but would never conduct a hootenanny! I really like the phonograph, but since you are allergic to noise I can entertain myself creating rhythms in my room with Morris code. I am really excited to get to know New York a little bit, and you being 97, have undoubtedly seen the city evolve. Golly-gee, you were probably around when they were still using covered wagons and communicating with smoke signals.

Jenny says...

Wow, that was long, I guess you like to chat.

Paul says...

Hello. How are you today. It's good to see someone who is in their 90's. I commend you in your successful and healthy life.

Souley says...

Hi old man. I would like to tell you that for this rent and this location, I ready
to move in. It doesnt matter that you are much older than me. And I
will not expect to be in our will. quiet frankly, I don't believe
everything you said in this add. But I would like to take a chance on
that. Maybe you are telling the truth. I would like to rent the room. I willl will be the calmest roomate you will ever have. I will also take care of you if you need my help. I just wouldn't be able to watch you try to do something if I can do it
faster and easier.

I have high respect for old people.

Holly says...

I could forward you the standard "please read me email" but will spare the tire since you have a sense of humor. if i wasn't a young student at FIT, I would feed you all the comic relief that you need. and dairy if you prefer rockets. when can i look at the apt. i would appreciate the prehistoric guest bed and maybe we can share the nurse's aid. i hope your daughter has a sense of humor too. this would be embarrasing otherwise.

Laura says...

I am a 25 year old actress. As of last week, my boyfriend of a year and a half asked me to leave the apartment we were sharing. He feels we need distance. Apparently, he can't respect the fact that I am an actress. He considers it "playing".

Currently I am sleeping on my friends couch. He has been total gentleman, but since he is an avid toy collector, there is little room for me and I live with the total fear of knocking something important over.

The only problem I can see right now is that I am currently playing "Diana" in 'Alls Well That Ends Well'. I have performances about 3-4 times during the next three weeks that will not end until 10 p.m., therefore not making your 9 p.m. comfort time. I would be more than happy to come 'home' and knock on your door and comfort you as soon as I get in.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Ice, Baby

(What follows is a craigslist blurb I posted advertising a room to rent in NYC, and some of the 50+ responses...)


Huge Room Available - With a Twist! (East Village)

Hello potential roommates!

I come to you today with an offer you may not be able to refuse. Due to my current roommate's imminent departure, I have a large furnished room available on the first floor of a three-story walk-up in the heart of the East Village (4th Street and Second Avenue). There are two bedrooms in the place, and yours would be the largest.

I don't need to tell you that this is near all the cool spots, including restaurants, bars, cafes, theatres, concert halls, etc. However, the room itself is private, at the end of a long hallway, and very quiet. The dimensions are 15x17, and it has two windows which look onto our interior courtyard. Bed, wardrobe, desk, and air conditioning come with the room. $550 includes all utilities.

You may be wondering why the price is so low. Well, here's the twist: I am a 25 year old male with a slight social problem which, to some, makes me an undesirable roommate.

I'll get right to the point: I have a compulsion to put ice cubes down people's shirts. As my roommate, you will likely bear the brunt of this problem.

Don't ask me to explain why I do this. It's a serious psychological issue, and years of therapy have not made any headway.

Let me emphasize: it will not go ANY FURTHER than the ice cubes. I am not abusive or perverted in any way, and I will never make lewd comments or touch you inappropriately. I also do not drop heavier or steaming hot objects down people's shirts. Only ice cubes.

What this means for you: when you are sitting on the couch, or at the dinner table, or basically anywhere in the apartment, I may come up to you and drop an ice cube down your shirt.

I always have ice cubes on hand. DO NOT think you can simply get ride of all ice trays in the apartment. Trust me, I have tried this, as have various roommates. It doesn't work, I will only buy more.

I prefer someone who does not like to have friends over, unless they understand my problem. They are prone to having ice cubes put down their shirt.

Your bedroom door has a sturdy lock, so you will always be secure while sleeping. Ditto for the bathroom. I may turn the doorknob on rare instances, but a stern word is usually enough to send me on my way.

On infrequent occasions, I have been known to follow someone onto the street to put an ice cube down their shirt. Once, I showed up at a roommate's place of business. However, this was a wake-up call, and I can assure you it's something I may not repeat.

Okay, I think that covers it. As you see, this is a great room in a terrific location, for a very, very low price. Quite simply, you won't find a deal like it anywhere in the city. However, my roommate will have to be tolerant. It takes great patience, and others have failed. It may seem like a minor problem, but eventually all the ice can become very annoying.

Otherwise, I am a caring, conscientious person. I work in finance, and enjoy mountain biking on the weekends.

So send me e-mail me if you're interested! Please address the ice cube problem and how you plan to deal with it. I need to be sufficiently impressed, because I don't want to have to find another roommate after one month or less. Ignoring the problem only makes it worse. Also include some of your favorite hobbies.

My current roommate is leaving to move in with her boyfriend, but before that, we had a successful relationship for one year. She even said the ice was something of a relief in the summer months, which can become very hot.

Females are preferred, but guys, don't let that deter you! Move-in would be anytime between now and September 1. I'm flexible.

Thanks for listening!


Nick says...

My work schedule, after work activities and frequent weekend getaways will greatly reduce my exposure to the ice cubes. All the other times I may welcome the cubes. We all need a little excitement in life and if its going to come in the form of frozen water in a cube form... well who am I to deter destiny?

Grace says...

Please let me know if you'll be showing the apartment anytime soon. As far as the ice cubes, I usually prefer it being cold PLUS I have an older brother, while growing up, that was one of his favorite things to do as well.

"Captain Paint" says...

listen, i need a room in east vilage, i am easy going great femal ebut i do not allow any sort of harrasments from men, you see my point?

i do like to be joking around but a woman cannot allow a man to do that cause men get acrried away

i need a place asap and i can pay responsibly, let me come by and see it
i now am at 4 street by B so i know the hood very well.

"UNO" says...

So, since your offer is great......and I think the ice cubes wouldn't be a big deal....I'll tell you about how I'd handle it.

A) my schedule keeps me out of the house most of the day
B) I will be out of town some
C) weekdays I will be dressed in a button up shirt & tie with it wouldn't be terribly easy to get an ice cube into my shirt
D) Weekends I will be out of the house most of the day I am sure.....especially at night
E) When I do not want to be bothered I will simply keep to my room
F) I am willing to make a sort of arrangement where I would be open to being "iced" at a certain time of the day (say when I get in from work or something) or maybe while watching TV once in a while.....

Derek says...

Hi, my name's Derek, I saw your housing ad on craigslist and thought I'd respond. At first I thought the ice thing was a joke, but, well, you seem pretty serious about it. However, if you're laid-back and have a sense of humor about it, I think I'd be able to deal with it like a challange. In the Pink Panther movies, Peter Sellers has this asian servant that he trains to attack him when he's least suspecting just to keep his guard up all the time. So he's sitting at breakfast or somewhere in another country even and suddenly his servant just attacks him, they get in this big fight, and then he leaves. I'm not saying I'd get in a fight, I'm just saying it would be a good story.

Debbie says...

I think we might be a perfect match. I am a 34 year old female in fabulous shape who has a compulsive tendency to walk around my apartment completely topless, sometimes just in my undies. I hope this will not be something that would bother you. Your ice dropping would, therefore, would not pose too much of a problem.

Dustin says...

Well, I must least you are very up front about your condition. All I can say is...For 550 for a big room on 4th and 2nd....put the whole tray down my shirt. (It might sound homo-erotic....but I am a straight male.....

Marquina says...

Hello Ice Cube Man. I have considered this option and think I would not have a problem with your ice cube compulsion. (my current roommate is a vomiter - gross!)

"AmK" says...

First, a little background about me. I recently became a white water rafting instructor in Western PA. I've been living in a shack(guide houseing) for over 4 months now. Let me just tell you, being one of the 4 women raft guides, out of 400 male raft guides in town, it really gives you a lot of experience putting up with some crazy shit. Now, needless to say, raft guides are some pretty crazy people. We also drink a lot. So imagine the attention I get, being 23 and attractive, on a saturday night, when all the hormones are blazing with cheap beer. A little ice down the shirt is not going to be a big deal. I've been thrown in the river, thrown into cow shit, thrown into a vat of uncooked french fries (otherwise known as cut up potatoes), drawn on, spit on, very nearly peed on, tickeled, tortured, teased, tested, tormented. My ass has been pinched, slapped, poked, proded, and punched. I've been flirted with, threatened, blackmailed, and had so much sexual harrasment I could probably sue and be a millionair.

The point being, I put up with all of it to be a raft guide. I can put up with ice cubes to have a bitchin apartment on 4th and 2nd.